Honesty is finding yourself in the woods, realizing you are alone, in the dark, and no one is coming to save you.

There has been my dearest of friends, lending their hearts and listening ears and bits of monies they graciously share. The people that have donated a bit of their hard earned monies to assist us in this stabilization quest. The caseworkers helping the unhoused with every ounce of their kindness and resources. The people also in the trenches with these unstable transitions fighting with every thing they have to be safe and stable. I have known this reality for so many years and growing weary.

Clove and I are still living in the car. I have tried all kinds of thought avenues to convince myself that this is the new normal, yet, the reality is that we are in deep troubles without a stable place to land. What a time to be alive, wishing to relax and relish in the absolutely outstanding nature we are surrounded by, but finding the truth is much more dire and heartbreaking. Is that what you want to hear? Flowers or fear? Mountains or mud in my hair? Healing airflows or heatstroke? Why am I unable to acclimate to this new normal without a gut wrenching feeling of failure or sometimes death? How do I continue to relax when I am unable to sleep horizontal? What am I doing wrong? Why is this happening? How do I get the fuck out of this situation super speedy like lightning?

I did know all of this was hurtling fast towards us and exactly why I placed a lot of trust in someone enough to ask for help and then also trust them enough to follow their lead when they offered to help. They hurt us in the most unimaginable ways by throwing us away like trash. They did something to both of us that will not be soon forgiven nor forgotten. They put a stain on my heart like I have yet to understand how it was even possible to do to someone you called a close friend. We were bamboozled, taken advantage of, and quite literally left for dead. This kind of grief does not disappear. This kind of cold-hearted move ripples upon the waves of time. I will repair the situation for Clove and myself. The close friend will have the life they deserve.

I continue to say, this is just research, enjoy the moment, what a beautiful view, slow down and breathe. I forget to eat because each day begins by wondering how to sustain and where will we find shade so Clove does not die in the car heat? Where will we spend the night that is safe? How on earth can I get horizontal? We need a true breakthrough and we need it now. After enough nights of trying to make the impossible sleeping arrangement work, exhaustion starts to accumulate in ways that are difficult to express unless you have experienced it. The shaking hands, the eyes puffy with grains of sand, the body in pain with bruises from knocking around the sliver of area for rest. Last Friday, I turned up to an interview with only 2 hours of uncomfortable sleep convincing myself it will all be over soon.

The Car Is Now Part of the Emergency

Of course! There is another layer of urgency because the car itself needs significant repairs. The reliable transportation has been such a blessing, safety against the elements, mobility to reach appointments and interviews. It pulled us out of a desperate moment and gave us strength to carry on. The car is currently our shelter, our transportation, and one of the few things giving us mobility while we work toward this stability.

If it becomes unusable, our situation changes dramatically. I am not just sitting on my ass claiming sorrowful situations. I have been moving mountains to obtain a more certain situation for our living situation. There is active turning over rocks of resources, reaching out to every single connection that comes our way, sourcing assistance from corners after corners, asking questions, finding answers, applications and interviews, forward motion even when exhaustion tries to consume me.

Asking for Direct Action

This weekly update had the beginning sprinkles of how Clove was in a harness for the first time, took a hike with a comfortable backpack and did not scream, and how she rolled around excited to be in a tent instead of the car for a couple nights. But, I was struck with this stripping away of distraction and into the truth of what is actually happening with us. This is about honesty, not sugary candies or pretty pictures, nor pretending it is all just fine. This is a direct ask for Clove, for me, for this support network around us, and for the due diligence of accountability. Maybe it comes through like this because of exhaustion or because the hiding in a rainbow is not helping.

You may be amazed to know that even the tiniest amount builds momentum toward safe housing and reliable transportation while I work diligently and extremely hard to rebuild a stable income.

This is a no pressure ask to donate, believe me, please share this fundraiser.

A share can put our story in front of someone I do not have the ability to reach otherwise.

At this very moment, reaching more people is incredibly important. A colleague. Your community directly around you now. The local rescue or book club or class. A group of people you see regularly. Any connection that floats into your mind right now.

Of the original goal, we have received a culmination of two thousand two hundred eighteen dollars so far. These monies meant the difference between gas and privacy window curtains, between an oil change and a shower. There are no words for the gratitude each day brings. Thank you.

We Continue

We are maintaining and in full presence for solutions to show themselves. We are making plans daily and moving toward a safer and more stable life. If you can connect us with housing, employment, community resources, or someone who may know where we can find assistance, please reach out. Right now, I am open to every legitimate door. Clove and I do not need a perfect life; what we need is a safe place to sleep, a reliable way to get there, and enough stability to begin rebuilding.

From My Field Notes

(an additional segment with writings and stories from the road)

THE SWAY

The view from here expands,
around and around we go,
up and over and around the way,
she stays hidden as we continue to sway.

From the nature of things,
not the heart as it stings,
remembering to remember,
forgetting about the rings.

We ask the star that just crossed the night sky,
from a moonbeam corner,
dipped down in the center of my eye,
do we let go,
or do we just die.

Connect And Share

MEDIA KIT: https://undertheroot.studio/motorhome-death-doula-artist-and-cat-clove

UPDATES: https://undertheroot.studio/artist-cat-clove-motorhome-updates

GOFUNDME: https://www.gofundme.com/f/motorhome-for-artist-and-clove

CONTACT: https://undertheroot.studio/contact

**7 Stages of Grief image credit:** **https://www.aunnamoriartyphoto.com/**

The decision happened in an instant. Was it brave?… that answer is unclear at this moment. What IS crystal is that holding on was wreaking havoc on our lives and those closest to us, stirring the pots of chaos, and not moving the mission forward.

This update is necessary and important because so many of you have leaned in to support with monetary donations that definitely are held closely to the hearth of this project, shared this fundraiser to spread the word and information of this journey, encouraged me with kindness and tenderness and heaps of wisdom sharing, plus not turned away from me and Clove over these past months…offering lots and lots of space. It seems to me that sincerity and honesty underpins each of us to one another. Or, at least I hold firmly to the notion that this is where the journey has been given our sailing winds.

This past week shifted the strategy completely on its head and what we are left with is the practice of integrity above every thing else.

When the Plan Changed

After leaving the property where the motorhome had been parked, Clove and I spent the next few weeks adapting to life on the road while searching for work and looking for a more sturdy path forward. We sought refuge wherever we safely were able to, took each day one step at a time, and we held firmly to the belief that the motorhome was working as a safe home. Clove has been a superstar through it all.

Then, one evening, while driving toward another place to spend the night, I heard a loud snap. The engine cut out. It just stopped while coolant boiled over and onto the ground. I managed to coast safely onto a larger inlet still on the interstate. I stopped for a moment, breathed, then popped open the hood. I quickly realized that something catastrophic had happened. Darnit.

After roughly 6 hours deep into the night, two pixie peoples stopped to ask if I needed help. They were kind and said that they were coming back in the daylight to be with me and check out what had happened. The light came into the sky and they returned just like they said they were going to. They were mechanically inclined and gave me some options as to what may have happened and then proceeded to move the motorhome to the safety spot we were headed to in the first place. The engine had suffered a major mechanical failure. We stayed at that safety spot for three days.

The Decision

Over those days while reaching out to referrals and tossing around ideas, plus asking an Incident Report person to drive me 20 miles for retrieval of our utility vehicle, I sat with the immensity of our situation. Yes, the motorhome had given me a glimpse of hope as it was able to represent safety and a future that I was willing to work towards for months. It now represented a growing financial burden that refused to hold. This far and no further.

So, with only $46 left to our name, I did not flinch and asked myself a seemingly serious question:
was I diligently working towards saving the motorhome, or was I working towards our future? The answer was like those stars in the night sky… let the motorhome go and with it the control of holding on. Then, there was a brief moment of shame and failure, not for me, for my inability to add safety for this beloved creature that seemed to be coming closer to me each day. She did not shift away her tenderness with me and when I looked at her on the second day, she said, I go wherever you go.

And so, we let go together.

An Unexpected Gift

Once that decision was made and we began the transition back into our utility car, a bluebird sat on the hood a few hours later. We exchanged a quiet nod, mine for awe and theirs for sturdy. I continued on, moving our things, and they trotted around for a few then glided away. As plain as the sunset time of day, I recognized they had taken with them this overwhelming weight from our path. Interesting.

I reached out to a dear friend in a different county, far away from where we were then, and asked if Clove and I might have a safe place to park while we figured out our next plan of action. Their answer was yes and guided me where to go. Upon our landing to them, completely prepared to sleep in the car, they came out, “a bed was made and we did not have to sleep in the car, grab what we need, come inside”.

I was not prepared for that care as the last people we trusted had turned us out, brushed us away, pointing fingers of shame for being who we are. Here was practical help with a hug and deeper understanding; a reminder of kindness and confidence and human connection. Someday soon, it will be important to write an update on each hand that was held out to help while we stepped across these vast riverbeds.

We Are Here Now

This update is not the end of the story. This update is the choice made while at the pomba gira along the winding journey. The motorhome was a strategy, an expression, and a possibility for our over arching project vision of The Listening Atlas. The project did not disappear with that loud snap and ultimate release of the motorhome. The Listening Atlas gained another foundation story with learning and growth and quite a few tears.

The Listening Atlas is an archive of presence dedicated to the documentation of how people, communities, and cultures accompany one another through mortality. It explores the variations of ways we humans create and embody meaning through death care, grief, ritual, remembrance, presence, and relational care across the United States.

While that particular motorhome was given the title of The Listening House, it does not have to be… the vision remains the same. The Listening House will have its becoming and show itself over time to us. It is a traveling space of place. Where stories can be shared, conversations allowed to unfold, and people welcomed in to speak unapologetically about death, grief, memory, and belonging. Whether that house eventually takes the form of a restored motorhome, a box truck, a conversion van, a short bus, a tiny home, a studio, or another kind of mobile space is less important than what it makes possible: a place dedicated to listening.

Through The Looking Glass

How do we care for one another when life becomes most fragile?

What wisdom lives in communities that rarely finds its way into books or institutions?

What traditions and rituals are evolving right before our very eyes, and what stories are being remembered?

As merely a Listening Cartographer, I have begun writing questions down on paper and will continue to do so. My hope is to embody someone who travels with cultural humility steering the ship. A person guided by deep and active listening skills to those that dare to bare and share their innermost thoughts. My artistic tools aplenty but basically consist of a pen and paper or handheld recorder to map places, relationships, practices, and the multitude of ways sentient beings define tenderness.

So, change abounds, purpose remains unchanged. This fundraiser will continue, not to recreate or raise the mobile death that just happened, but to continue building a road towards the possibility of The Listening Atlas.

Clove and I have pointed our sights out of this immediate area and soon will be moving North together. With the time we have been offered here, we have begun outreach to a community that feels more aligned with the rebuild. It values nature, creativity, artistic endeavors, communal resonance, and the exchange of our resources and skills. This bridge will now be built slowly and intentionally, with hard work and soft goods. The focus is on finding work exchange for housing, rebuilding financial stability, and continuing to develop and share the ideas and projects that have been at the heart of this journey from the beginning.

Blues to Bluebirds

The generosity of those that are standing in support of this project have not be pushed aside, nor thrown out at as a waste. You have given air to the sails, lifted my chin towards opportunity, and are being closely carried as a daily reminder of foundation. The plans, people, and roads change. The purpose has not quivered one bit.

We are rebuilding a foundation that was knocked down to rubble. And we are already underway, because of you. We are setting out to listen to communities and traditions, to caregivers and spaces of places, to silence and memory, and to the sounds of release from the flight of bluebirds.

From My Field Notes

(an additional segment with writings and stories from the road)

CATASTROPHIC MECHANICAL FAILURE

A halflife shed from my being last night,
lifted right outside the window and then blew away all fright.

It took with it countless hours of speech,
buried writings from the deep,
invisible parts with no time to sleep.

Corners filled with cobwebs,
I have refused to sweep.
Misty morning dewdrops,
gathered together on the cheap.

We unload straight back to the earth,
delighted with our finds.
Turned over the soil from dry to moist,
talking with the sprites saying never you minds.

A very peculiar feeling,
being held by the hand of night.
Like a shell of a being,
walking back to the fight.